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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25077922">Blue</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sanders sides angst verse [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, M/M, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Morality | Patton Sanders Needs a Hug, Sad Logic | Logan Sanders, Self-Harm, Suicide, no happy ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:29:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,071</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25077922</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s nice to meet you, Logan!” Patton beams. Logan looks down, suddenly a little shy. Patton's shirt is blue, and it's the prettiest shade of blue he's ever seen.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>(Please check the tags this got dark-)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sanders sides angst verse [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675801</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>63</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Blue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I was listening to the song "Blue" by Guardin on repeat as i wrote this, hence the title. </p>
<p>Please check the tags before reading.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Starting at a new school is terrifying, Logan thinks, as he stands in front of the gates watching others pile inside. There has to be at least 1000 students, most likely more, and Logan can’t spot a single face that he recognises in there. Unsurprising, considering that he moved to this town just a week ago and has barely left his new house, busy unpacking and organising his room. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tentatively, Logan takes a step forward, bringing himself closer to the crowds of other students. His hands twitch as he continues forward, his expression blank. It’s easy to slip into the sea of people, and he finds himself being almost carried inside. He stands still in the corridor - which is thankfully less packed - and takes in the sight of the lockers. Number 81 is his, but by the looks of it, finding it is going to be a challenging task. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It takes him 6 minutes to locate his locker, and when he does, he opens it quickly, sliding his bag off of his shoulders and resting it inside. His bag is filled with textbooks, folders and other supplies he’s going to need while he settles into his classes. In less than a few minutes he’s emptied his bag of the items and pauses to look at his schedule. He has Chemistry first thing this morning, which he’s grateful for. Logan has always enjoyed science in particular. Carefully selecting the Chemistry textbook and a red folder (he has a different color for each subject, ranging from a dull grey for Art which he hates, to navy blue for Physics, his personal favourite), Logan sets them inside his bag and zips it closed. He’s in room 305, and he has no clue where it is. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi!” a sudden voice, close in proximity, pulls Logan from his thoughts. He peeks around his locker door to see a short, curly-haired, grinning person looking at him. “You’re new.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am new, yes. Today is my first day.” Logan clarifies. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s cool! I’m Patton.” The boy introduces, holding a hand out for Logan to shake. He does so. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My name is Logan.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s nice to meet you, Logan!” Patton beams. Logan looks down, suddenly a little shy. Patton's shirt is blue, and it's the prettiest shade of blue he's ever seen.</span>
</p>
<p>“It’s nice to meet you too.” Logan responds out of politeness. There’s an uncomfortable pause as neither of them know what to say. Logan clears his throat. “I should find my classroom.”</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can help!” Patton offers instantly, leaning over to look at Logan’s paper schedule. “What’ve you got first?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Chemistry, in room 305.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ooh, that’s the same as Virgil! Come on, I’ll show you where it is.” Patton slams his own locker shut and quickly begins leading Logan through the mass of students, excitedly chatting about something as he does so. Logan tries to take note of the direction they’re going, but Patton is speedy and Logan struggles to even keep up with him. Eventually they arrive at classroom 305, but instead of saying goodbye, Patton barrels straight through the door, pulling Logan along with him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a couple of students sitting at desks, having arrived early. Patton keeps walking, heading for the back corner of the room. In the desk at the back sits a tall student, and upon setting eyes on him, Logan can easily guess that he’s an emo. His outfit consists of mostly black, with the exception of the purple patches on his hoodie, and when he looks up, Logan notices the dark eyeshadow underneath his eyes. He’s wearing headphones, but slides them around his neck when he sees the two approaching. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Vee.” Patton calls. “This is Logan, he’s in your class. Can you look after him?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure,” agrees ‘Vee’, looking at Logan. “Name’s Virgil. That desk is empty and there’s no assigned seats, so…” he points to the desk next to him. Logan sets his bag on top of it and sits down silently, unpacking his books. A few moments later a teacher walks in, looking around the room, and lets out a fond sigh when he sees Patton. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Patton, you know you’re one of my favourite students, but I don’t teach you until third period.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know!” Patton quickly replies. “I was just helping Logan. He’s new.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I see.” the teacher gives Logan a welcoming smile, which he returns. “Logan will be fine now, he has Virgil to keep him company. Why don’t you get to your own class?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Patton (reluctantly) heads to his class. Throughout Chemistry, Virgil makes conversation every so often. Logan gives half-hearted responses - he’s more interested in listening to the class. He knows a lot about the subject already, but there’s always more knowledge to be found. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>At the end of the class, Virgil stands up, looking over to Logan. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where’s your next class?” He asks. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“English, room 76.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah.” Virgil smiles a little. “Get ready. Patton’s there. So are Roman and  Remus.” he begins to lead Logan out and through the corridors again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who are Roman and Remus?” Logan asks as they walk. Virgil smirks. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ll find out.” </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Roman and Remus, it turns out, are twins, though no one would guess it. They’re complete opposites, from the way that they act to the colour of their outfits. Patton quickly introduces him to them and the four spend the whole lesson talking together as they work. Roman is in Logan’s third class, and although the two are already starting to disagree, he still shows Logan the way and helps him afterwards. By the time their lunch break rolls around, Logan has met everyone from the group and seems to be getting along with them perfectly well. By the end of the day, he’s learnt that Roman loves Disney movies and Virgil has never been seen without his eyeshadow. He’s also memorised the colour of Patton’s eyes, but, well, nobody needs to know that. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>All in all, his first day has been great. Better than he expected, at least. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Logan settles into the group quite easily. He enjoys having debates at the table with Virgil. He disagrees with Roman a lot, but they always seem to resolve their argument by the end of the day. He talks about a lot of things with Remus, simply because the others shiver when Remus talks to them, and someone has to talk to him. And Patton is just happy to have Logan there. He’s always grinning, an excited look in his eyes as he listens to Logan speak. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s been a few months when Remus drags another new student to the table during lunch, excitedly babbling about how they both like murder. The guy looks a little less than thrilled to be there, but Remus isn’t letting him get away now. He refuses to give away his name, or anything about himself. He has a scar covering the left side of his face, but whenever he catches someone staring he hisses at them. He disappears again as soon as Remus’ back is turned. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It doesn't take long for Remus to find him, and he’s dragged back to the table the very next day. He still doesn’t reveal his name, but this time he stays, picking at a conversation with the others as he stirs his food around on the plate. Logan doesn’t expect to see him again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The guy returns the next day. Remus gets his name by the end of the week: Janus. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Christmas break is quickly approaching. Logan doesn’t celebrate it all that much, but finds himself not protesting when Patton drags him into a round of christmas shopping. By the end of the day he has the perfect gifts for everyone, including Patton, who is so excited his attention goes to something different every few minutes, making it easy to buy something for him without him noticing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When they’re done shopping, they get coffee from a nearby shop. Patton takes Logan back to the car and drives. A few minutes later, they’re at an abandoned cliffside, scattered with ancient litter and cigarette ends. The two sit on an old, worn wall near to the edge as they sip their coffee. They only mean to stay for a few minutes, but they begin to talk and by the time either one of them thinks to check the time, it’s been two and a half hours. Neither of them want to go back home yet, so they discard their coffee cups and continue talking, watching as the sun sets. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Just as it’s about to turn completely dark, Patton turns to Logan, an unreadable expression on his face. Logan is about to question it, when Patton leans forward and kisses him. Logan’s eyes widen in surprise, but he doesn’t pull away. Patton is gentle and tastes of coffee, and Logan is addicted. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They stay there until their eyes are tired and it’s almost light again. Then they head home, smiles still present on both of their faces. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>A week later, the group meet up at Roman and Remus’ house. They sit in a circle in the living room and exchange gifts for an hour, and when they’re done Roman turns on the radio and they dance together. Patton and Logan dance together, and after a while they end up kissing again. When they look back to the others, Virgil hands Janus a $10 bill, and Roman looks as though he’s trying not to scream with excitement. Logan rolls his eyes, but in all honesty, he’s never been happier than he is right now. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>School starts up again, and it brings a season of exams that no one is looking forward to. Logan is quick to dedicate himself to studying, going as far as to reading a textbook at the lunch table, which no one else is a fan of. Janus’ protests to take a break are completely ignored, and when Patton tries to say something, Logan snaps at him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As soon as he sees the hurt expression on Patton’s face, he regrets it, a surge of guilt running through him. But feelings are difficult, and instead of apologising, Logan flees, hiding himself in the library where he can study in peace. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Logan is tired. Correction; he is exhausted. It’s the second week of exams, and he can’t remember the last time he got a full night of sleep. Deep down he knows that isn’t healthy, but right now he can’t afford to take his mind away from studying. He has to pass these tests; who knows what’ll happen if he doesn’t? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So he ignores his sleep schedule, he ignores his family, and he ignores his phone when it begins to ring. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Two weeks later, exams are over, and Logan is ashamed to say he sleeps a full 16 hours that weekend. He goes back to spending his lunch with the group and meeting up with them on weekends, as well as hour-long phone calls with Patton every evening that cost a fortune but are definitely worth it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Everything seems fine until he gets the exam results back, and is more than disappointed with what he sees. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He knew that this was going to happen. After all, he barely slept, barely even ate. How could he be in the right mindset like that? But still, there’s a tiny voice in the back of his head, repeating the same thing over and over again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It isn't good enough. How is he going to get into a decent college with grades like those? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Barely thinking, Logan digs his fingernails into the skin of his arms, the same 4 words being repeated in his head. Then he’s on his feet, walking to the cabinet in the bathroom and dismantling the razor. The blade feels light in his hand, and even lighter as he drags it across his skin. Blood begins to spill from the line, but he doesn’t feel regretful. It’s his fault anyway, he decides. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>It isn’t the only time. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Logan goes to school. He listens and takes notes in class, determined not to let himself fail again. He relaxes and winds down a little with his friends at lunch. He spends time with Patton after school, either making out or thinking about it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And when his light is out at night, he decorates his arms with thin little lines of blood. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a sick and twisted cycle that he’s gotten himself stuck into, but Logan can’t seem to break himself out. Unbeknownst to the others, he loathes himself: for the way he failed, for making the others put up with him, for the fact that he has to cut himself to feel okay. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But he’s stuck. There’s nothing he can do about it. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Patton seems distant. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They sit on the wall - it’s become their usual spot now - in silence, staring at the sun as they wait for it to set. Patton isn’t cuddled up to him; he’s sitting stock-still on the wall, not even swaying like he usually does. It’s startling, but as soon as Logan asks him about it, Patton gains a smile and dismisses Logan’s worries. He begins to talk about something interesting,but Logan can’t listen. Something’s upsetting Patton, and he can’t figure out how to get rid of it. He’s never felt so useless. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After a few more hours, Patton stands up. Logan spies the misery on his face again, but doesn’t mention it Patton’s very good at holding onto his feelings. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going home.” Patton announces. Logan frowns. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re going to leave me here, alone?” He asks. He’s mostly teasing, but Patton doesn’t smile. In fact he just turns around. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe we’re meant to be alone.” He mutters as he walks away. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Logan isn’t sure what to think. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>The next time Logan sees Patton, it’s been a few days. Patton doesn’t look like he’s slept at all, and there’s a disconcerting, empty look in his eyes. He doesn’t say anything as he walks up to his locker, distant. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Patton, where have you been?” Logan asks, clearly concerned. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I was just a little sick. Nothing to worry about!” Patton dismisses quickly, smiling at him. His eyes remain vacant, and Logan doesn’t believe him for one second, but the bell rings and Patton rushes off to his class before Logan can ask him about it. Logan tries to ignore the nervous suspicion growing in his chest. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>It’s been a week, and nobody has heard a thing from Patton. Logan has sent a multitude of texts, each with various levels of concern stitched in, but they all remain unopened. Patton must have lost his phone, Logan decides. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Eventually, after sending a particularly long and worried text, Logan gets a reply. A surge of hope runs through him, but it’s quickly replaced by confusion when he reads it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The text contains just one word: ‘Sorry’. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Frowning, Logan immediately begins typing out a reply. Patton’s just apologising for not texting sooner, right? He’s probably planning out an explanation right now…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Logan is too afraid to think of any other possibilities. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>They announce it over the school speaker for everyone to hear. Loud and clear, as if privacy is a thing of the past. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Patton is dead. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Logan runs. He shoves his things into his bag faster than he ever has before. He bolts out of the classroom, out of the school. He doesn’t stop running for ages - he doesn’t know how to do anything else - and by the time he realises what he’s doing, he’s at their special place. He sits down on the wall, struggling for breath as his brain struggles to comprehend the news. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He lets himself cry. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>The funeral is a week later. Logan stands, dressed in black, surrounded by the rest of the group and various members of Patton’s family, most of which he’d gotten to know over time. Everyone has their own expression of conflict - some people are crying and some are just very still. If Patton was here, he’d be telling everyone to be optimistic. Logan wonders how nobody saw the signs. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Logan hurts. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He can’t stop crying, gasping for breath as he lays, curled up in his room. He misses Patton so much, and it’s only been a few days. He can’t get his mind around the fact that Patton is really gone, the fact that he’ll never see his face again. It’s as though half of him is missing, and Logan can’t cope with only half of himself. The worst part is the guilt; Logan knew Patton was upset, he knew something was wrong, and yet he did nothing to help. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He failed him. Just like everyone else. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Logan hates himself. He wants to cut, he wants to die, but he can’t move. He can’t find the energy to do anything, other than sob and stare at the ceiling, wishing Patton was here to cheer him up. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So he does the only thing he can think to do. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Logan throws himself into his schoolwork. Every free moment he has is dedicated to studying. After all, that was why he joined this school in the first place. This is what it’s all for: no romance, no emotions, just the good results that will take him to his next step in life. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn’t eat, he doesn’t sleep. He just works. It didn’t work last time, but he can’t bring himself to care. He doesn’t really care about anything anymore. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>The sun is starting to set, slipping down under the horizon. Logan sits, dazed, staring at it. The colors are so beautiful; different shades of orange, yellow and red, mixing together into a beautiful picture. Patton always loved the sunset. He’d talk about it for hours when they came here, and staring at it now makes Logan feel a little closer to him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>All too soon, the colors turn to navy blue, darker and darker until they’re gone. That’s the problem, Logan thinks, as he stares off into the distance. Even the most beautiful of things disappear eventually. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Still, up here, Logan feels oddly light, as though he’s floating. He edges himself forward a little, so that his legs are swinging over the edge of the wall. Looking down, he catches sight of the ground, so far away it may as well not be there to begin with. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Logan lets out a sigh. His lips form Patton’s name one last time. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He lets go. </span>
</p>
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